Today, I realized that if I want to move on with my life i should start doing something. I know i always say this, but really this time i found my inspiration that had stirred up this feeling inside of me. I want to work on myself and while doing so find who i am in the process because i feel like I’m several people not just ME. Recently i watched on TLC my 600-lbs life and it showed me that anyone with just pure determination and this pure intention to just go for the goal can do it. You see all these people saying stuff about going for the goal and reaching it, but you dont really believe in it. Well today i believed. I’m not 600-lbs or over-weight, but i am that person that wants to work on them self. By the end of at least june i want to say good-bye belly fat and say hello to nice slim dresses and SHORTS!! i have not worn shorts since middle school and that says alot. I am very insecure about my body image, but i want to fix that because i dont want this insecurity to follow me all through college. I’m a senior graduating and i want to change myself for the better. I’m tired of just going out for a walk for only a day and quitting. I want to walk,run,jog, etc and etc EVERYDAY!! i want to be fit and a bit more thinner and wear the clothes i admire and love. I’m tired of hiding, It’s really my turn to SHINE! i want to shine bright like the star because i deserve to be able to do just that. Just watching a single documentary has changed my way of thinking. from now on until the end of june i am going out for jogs and jump roping and doing other kinds of exercises to be fit and not hide. Also for once in my life i want to wear a bikini. That’s right I SAID IT! I want to wear a bikini because i never have, only one-pieces because ever since i was little i was so insecure about my body. But now i dont want to feel my insecurities. I want to face them and say “I HAVE WON!” i wont be defeated im going for my goal…. to be skinnier and fit and feel beautiful for once and wear whatever i want to wear. :) i finally found what could motivate me and if i fall down, ill remember why i tired in the first place.

for some reason these days i just feel so insecure about myself. I feel so BIG that i can’t wear anything flattering. I went shopping to look for clothes and when i put on the clothes i chose they all looked very big or really small on me. My body is so disproportional. I know that i should feel beautiful and that i was made in a very unique way but i can’t help but have these thoughts saying that im big ugly and fat. I mean when i put on a dress i look like a freakin oompa-loompa. I hate it so much. I think i have to do something. I need to take things into my own hands by doing the right things. first exercise, then eat right, then find new things to put on. I can’t feel like this anymore and i want to change so thats what im going to try to do. I can’t sit back and watch myself get to a point where i will feel like crap and just regret why i didnt do anything sooner. I need to change and fast. i want to wear pretty clothes and shorts and not feel like i am big and that people will look at me in such a weird way. i gotta change not for anyone, but for me! and i gotta do this NOW!

I dont know why but for some reason i keep looking at wedding pictures, dresses, vendors and etc. I keep picturing myself married. Is that weird for a 17 (almost 18) year old girl to think about this so early. I mean you think about this as a little girl, but down to every single detail i mean. I dont know….. I just want to BE married and to live happily ever after after that. :\